Our Secret

For personal reasons it was kept a secret, then I just felt fat as Ben wanted to see how far we could go until someone guessed. I guess I am that fat enough to hide a pregnancy...

Because we're having a GIRL!!! 

We were content to have three children, but knew we had another waiting. I am due November 14 which is not really a due date I would pick since I don't have the history of having early babies. I seem to make it to my due dates and beyond pregnant. When I think of possible dates, the memories come back. The images of watching another baby die (they are engraved in my mind like pornography). Then the tears come.

While we understand that this baby can not and will not replace the one we lost, we are looking forward to the healing that she will bring - which ever day she is born (but really not the 18th). We are excited to hold another girl and keep her in our lives and family. She is so loved already!

changed

My blog has been lacking lately. I keep thinking I should update it. My late miscarriage has changed me. Everything seems very trite, unimportant, you know what I mean. My perspective has changed. I see things much more from an eternal perspective. And not just with my own family, but with others/strangers. Maybe the change has come from feeling like no one really cares about what is going on in our lives or the expected changes coming. But our house is crib, high chair, and now pacifier free! David was the easiest to break the habit with. It was very bittersweet to take away.

I won't lie. Things have been changed between Ben and I. And for the first time in awhile we both feel excited for our future together. Perhaps the biggest change is that Ben posted below and all of a sudden my "What, WHAT in the Butt!?!" post seemed really inappropriate.

But through it all I remained a great mom! David was spraying the dishwasher with water and I threw a towel down and walked away. Go me!!!

Most people have already seen it, but our girls got major haircuts and thanks go out to Brianna. Many people, including family members, have asked us why we buzzed Mikayla and every time I think really, REALLY? It isn't like she started out with long, lush hair or even hair that reached her shoulders. But still they asked. So I thought I would share after hair cut, but before buzz pictures. I think it's obvious why the buzz, but I'll let you be the judge.

Miscarriage is such a unique loss, not having the chance to develop a relationship with the body that came and went, but building an abiding love for a soul that comes into your life and then out again.  

Hopefully these changes are for the best as we...

Look forward,
Holding on, and
Embracing the journey.