Healing

The Oak Tree

by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr

*

A mighty wind blew night and day

It stole the oak tree's leaves away

Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark

*

But still the oak tree held its ground

While other trees fell all around

The weary wind gave up and spoke.

How can you still be standing Oak?

*

The oak tree said, I know that you

Can break each branch of mine in two

Carry every leaf away

Shake my limbs, and make me sway

*

But I have roots stretched in the earth

Growing stronger since my birth

You'll never touch them, for you see

They are the deepest part of me

*

Until today, I wasn't sure

Of just how much I could endure

But now I've found, with thanks to you

I'm stronger than I ever knew

*

So much healing comes from sharing this. We had been shaken. Our leaves had been stolen from us, our branches had been broken, but we are still standing. And no doubt, our roots had grown deeper. We are stronger than we ever knew! I'm still sad we lost our baby boy, but I have peace with his death. I will always remember him and the joy he brought to us. I sure hope this is the hardest thing we will face, but I'm not stupid. I realize I'm only 27 and there will be other storms, possibly with stronger winds.

I've thought a lot about the last few weeks and all the feelings I've had. Aside from great sadness and fear (those are given considering the events), I have felt loved. Loved from the gifts and acts of kindness like prayers. I want it to continue, maybe I just want a lot of plates of cookies. :)

I felt love. Love for my children. Love for Brianna who has done all she could to help and serve me. Love for Mikayla who made and wrapped me a present under the tree. Which I'm very excited for. Love for David and the age and size he is and even the head butting. Love for my husband and all he does for me. Love for my sister who listened far more then she probably wanted to.

I have felt peace with waiting.

Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come. -Joseph F. Smith

It might not be now
It might not be next year
It might not be before David starts sunbeams
but there is another precious baby waiting to join our family.

New Star

We got a new Christmas tree star that lights up! I am really, REALLY looking forward to it in ten, fifteen years when our kids think it is retro and an antique and just really out dated. And thinking about their reaction to that every year amuses me now.

Holiday Dresses

I finished my girls' holiday dresses today. I think they turned out really nice and I'm excited for them to wear them to church. I think I'm hoping to get a lot of praise, but we'll see.
I feel weird posting something happy after something so sad, but life is returning to a new normal for us. I read this article and it describes really well how I'm feeling. I am still constantly reminded of our loss. I've had miscarriages before, but this one has been something else. I went to buy new Christmas socks for us so David wouldn't have to use one that says, "Baby's First Christmas" and realizing I no longer had to buy an extra for next year was so hard. I lost a baby and my world has changed because of it.

I want to thank those that sat with me while I was still pregnant with a dead baby, so I didn't have to sit alone. I appreciated the cards, flowers, cookies, and visits. I really truly am grateful for those that cried with me and still do. For those that listened to me talk about it all the time and about all of the complications from the D&C. I think they should have induced labor instead of what they did. I am grateful for those who just let me cry and didn't avoid the subject or make me feel awkward talking to them. I looked forward to and really needed the daily phone calls from people. The thing I remember the most are the hugs people gave. They also meant the most. Thank you to those who really helped and cared and loved me through it. And who are still there for me.