Then and Now

What a difference a year makes. A year ago I craved a baby. Another chance. Now I have a one month old. 

Christmas is in two days. Life moves fast. Do you ever stop and think about how far you've come, how much has changed, how where you are is so different than where you expected to be?

This Christmas season I am thankful for my four children. I certainly don't experience the same sadness and despair of a year ago, but there will always be a sliver of my heart and soul that ache. A longing for a certain little boy.

I read an article. It was interesting. It made me smile. 

We've been busy with all the randomness the holidays bring. It has been good.

Ben made me a spice rack for our pantry. Cost - nothing! I love my handy hubby!! Saves us so much money.

I made crowns for the girls. I thought they were adorable and excitedly gave them to the girls. Brianna didn't care for it. She wanted me to make her some flower headbands instead. She is becoming such an amazing little lady and I love it.

Alyson's perfect entrance

I thought I would share my baby girl's birth story from my experience. I would like to know Ben's experience. The anxiety and stress of a pregnancy after a loss was more then I could handle and an induction date was set.

After walking around for almost a week being dilated to a 4 and stretchable to a 5 and fully effaced, (I know! most women would have been sent straight to the hospital or could have walked around the block to start labor, but not me)  I got the call to come in the next day, November 7, at 6:00 a.m. I went to bed super excited.

We drove to the hospital in the snow. Much more beautiful with this birth then the last. It was so calm and peaceful. It was perfect. Holding hands. Taking in the moments and relishing each other, while looking forward to holding a baby, again.

After checking in and getting settled in the delivery room the nurse started the monitors. She couldn't find a heartbeat for about 20 to 30 minutes. I also realized I hadn't felt the baby move yet that day. I had a mild anxiety attack. Ben tried to say comforting things, but he looked at me like, "Tami, calm your crazy".

Just before 7 the antibiotics were started. Now the waiting to get my water broken began. The nurses and Ben were a lot of fun so the time went very quickly. Around 10 a.m. the anesthesiologist came in. I really wasn't in pain, but knew I wanted one. He was fun too, around 11 a.m. I got the epidural.


At 11:30 my water was broken. Like with all my other births I don't progress until my water is broken and then things go fast and if I walk around my contractions stop. Even with pitocin. Learned that with David. At 12:15 p.m. Ben decided to go get lunch. At 12:30 p.m. I called him to tell him I was complete. Even though he probably had time to finish eating I thought because I wasn't eating he should just throw his food away and come be with me. :) Ben showed up around 12:45 p.m. and the doctor arrived shortly after him. I pushed three times and Alyson was born at 1:05 p.m.

They laid her on my stomach and I was undeniably overwhelmed with love and joy for my chunky little baby. She had the cutest, fat, little fingers. I was in love. We had been through so much to get her. I cried. There was a feeling in the room that I had never experienced before. I felt loved and known.

I nursed Alyson after I ate a sandwich. Sadly, this was the last time I held her until Tuesday because of complications with me. As I laid in bed, I got to watch some very sweet and intimate moments between Ben and his new daughter as he bottle feed and burped her. He held her every moment he could. It felt so good to hold a baby again. Alyson brought so much healing to us. We are eternally grateful for Alyson joining our family. While I really wanted to go into labor on my own, I realize her birth was perfect and we got exactly what we needed. A baby to keep.


more to come soon...

6 a.m. Winner!!

*warning this post does contain potty language*

After getting out of the shower this morning I noticed poop on the floor and heat vent cover. Upon further inspection I noticed it continued up on the baseboard and slightly on to the wall. Seeing the poop reminded me of the events that occurred yesterday morning at 6 a.m.

Since Mikayla was in bed with me and Ben was on the family room floor with David I decided to change Alyson's poopy diaper in the bathroom. I laid a towel down on the counter and went to changing. While wiping she had her first yellow, seedy poop. I wasn't prepared. Poop squirted me, so I stepped back and watched as the wall was covered by our sweet Alyson's first breastfeed poop. The wall was now covered. There was a trail from Alyson's bum across the floor to the wall. And I was covered. Instead of crying because of the long night, I went and got my amazing husband so he could be the winner and clean everything.

Ben had been up most the night with David and Alyson, but he kindly got up and washed the wall and the floor. I am grateful that he got up and helped. I would go on to say more, but odds are he isn't going to read this anytime soon. I should go mess with his facebook account. Hmmm...

Baby

Alyson was evicted from my tummy on Monday November 7. She weighed 8 pounds 1 ounce and is 19 inches. We are so happy that she is here.

October Fun

These pictures are not in order of what we did, but we did do them all in October.

Ben carved pumpkins with the kids. Ben had so much patience with them. It amazes me how great of a dad he is!

Ben took the kids trick or treating while I stayed home. David just did not want his pictures taken, he was so ready to go! The girls were Rapunzel and Dave was a fur trapper(?). 

I decided years ago that the girls and I would have a "girls' party" during priesthood session of conference. Usually we do what I call a crappy craft, treats, and then paint nails or something. This year we made spiders.

We went and saw the witches at Gardner Village. My brother had never been before so we took him with. I loved watching our girls get excited over finding another witch.

And now it is November. Christmas is next month and I say bring it! We are very excited in this house. And now I am off to my very last appointment before the baby is forced out!

Beautiful Heartbreak

I've thought a lot about what to post lately. Costumes, Gardner Village, pumpkin carving, what Brianna said a few weeks ago-that can make me smile very time I think of it. Well, because I thought it was so great I'll share that!

me: Brianna, what are you thinking?

brianna: nothing. (now being a girl i know there is always thinking going on)

me: Brianna i know your thinking something in your head. what are you thinking?

brianna: nothing! my head is just talking.

me:what is your head saying?

brianna: lots of stuff. 

The seasons have been changing. Hopefully you've noticed on your own, but if not there are plenty of updates on facebook to clue you in.

While reading the Church News yesterday, something stuck out to me, "The season of life we may find ourselves in might, in autumn-like fashion, seem chilly and occasionally dark. Days might come and go with little sunshine. But joy can still be found even in seasons of struggle".

With the change, I find the memories are quick to return. The months spent desperately praying for our baby to be okay. This past year has been the hardest in my life, but I am thankful for the experiences I had in the weeks and months that followed.

While I still struggle with having empty arms and I'm still trying to figure out what I still need to learn from this, I am hoping that soon our loss will become a beautiful heartbreak with a view I wouldn't want to change.

An Amazing Link

I have thought a lot about this post a lot over the last few months. It is amazingly well written and I truly believe the message of the post.

There have been many times my feelings have been hurt simply because the other person has not seen me. They haven't seen that I needed help or I was doing my best and still struggling. Then I think of those around me and wonder if I have missed seeing their signs. I don't intend to hurt others, but I'm sure I do.

I hope that as the holidays come, I remember to really see others.

My unexpected expenses

You know your husband is amazing when he doesn't say anything and just fixes everything.

It all started about three weeks ago...

I started  refinishing our table almost two months ago and things kept going wrong. He has bought me more sandpaper, stain, and brushes (I really hate rinsing the finishes out so I threw away brushes after every coat). After doing it 4 or 5 times I have given up. No one can tell us what is happening. We have tried every dumb idea and suggestion and the results are the same, except David has not drawn on it with a rock or put dirt on it, yet. So, I have called it quits. Our table is what it is and Ben has helped me a lot with it. This one has been ongoing the whole time.

I was trimming the fence line when the weed whacker broke.  Still broken.

A few days later I was mowing the front yard when Ben took over and started the back yard for me. The lawn mower broke. But my brother helped him fix it for free!

back story-Our original kitchen faucet leaked and my sister gave us a new one they bought, but decided they didn't like. Ben put it in and got rid of the other one. About two weeks ago I cleaned the fish tank and broke the kitchen faucet (i like to think pregnancy hormones played into this). And also ended up killing some fish.  Ben bought us a new faucet and has been letting me get new fish.

I have been doing crafts with the girls and my own projects, which has required buying some stuff.

And the biggest one is...

I lost the diamond in my wedding ring. We frantically searched our house and retraced my steps for the day, but it was gone. I was so discouraged. How would we ever be able to afford to replace it? As I looked I kept thinking, "This is like an Ensign story, I need to find the higher road". But I was heartbroken and felt hopeless with the situation. I understand that a rock did not create our marriage or strengthen our love for each other over the years. But I was still very sad and I don't think hormones played into that. BUT Ben surprised me with my ring fixed! At first I was really shocked and confused with how he came up with the almost thousand dollars to replace it. I found out that my wonderful husband got the store to honor their warranty and to give us a credit in the amount of the original diamond. They said they didn't have any diamonds that price or cheaper and that he would have to spend a little for a slight upgrade.

And after all this he told me Merry Christmas! I just hope I remember how happy I was to get a new diamond and how loved I have felt with him happily(?) covering all of my unexpected expenses, especially Christmas morning.

Yesterday Morning (Its good!)

Yesterday, while I was in the shower (see, good already) David pulled the curtain back to show me a dead fish. At first I was disgusted then I was annoyed that Ben would send him in to prove to me that he took care of the dead fish.

 

 

I finished my shower to get out to David playing with the dead fish. He was so excited and happy! He had the fish swimming all over and seeing everything. I don't think he realized it was dead. He had a new best friend and was on top of the world.

 

He was heartbroken when we took it away.

He desperately clung to it as we pulled it away.

Just so everyone doesn't think Ben is lame: He did not give the fish to David. He threw it away in the kitchen garbage (incredibly gross which got him a lecture) in front of David then went downstairs. David just pulled it out and had the time of his life!

Ben's a Trooper!

Ben likes to tell people that I have been pregnant now for well over a year. Which is mostly true. There was a two month break where I was still hormonal and not "okay". I wasn't "okay" for a long time. But Ben has been dealing with my pregnancy hormones continuously for over a year and has been so good about it. Which is amazing! I think he likes to tell people the length for all the support and praise he gets from it and to explain why he needs to answer his phone again for his unstable wife. It has not been easy for him (sorry) or for me. Especially this pregnancy which we've been told our baby girl has hydrops.

I like that he "counts" the other pregnancy. Having a dead baby is just as life altering and changing as having a live baby. The only difference is people expect you to keep it a secret. Ben doesn't and that makes me love him all the more.

A loving Heavenly Father chose us specifically to have and lose a baby boy. Only extraordinary people can go through what we consider to be our normal everyday life. I think Ben is the most extraordinary person I know. And I made the best choice I could have when I married him.

We Love Rain!!!

The Wait is Over!!!

When I found out the neighbor girl, Serenity, has a younger then David brother, I began wondering how much longer until he starts showing up to play. There is about eight months difference in age so it's going to happen. Just a matter of when. Although, I wasn't fully expecting it last Monday at his age of about 14/15 months old. His name is Destiny. Who names their boy that!?! Some names, contrary to others opinion, should not be used for both... Jamie and Leslie included.

I am so ready to move already. It wouldn't be so bad if their mom and I were friends and hung out to, but we're not and I really don't like babysitting them. He is a biter and I don't think I should have to mother them too.

Our Secret

For personal reasons it was kept a secret, then I just felt fat as Ben wanted to see how far we could go until someone guessed. I guess I am that fat enough to hide a pregnancy...

Because we're having a GIRL!!! 

We were content to have three children, but knew we had another waiting. I am due November 14 which is not really a due date I would pick since I don't have the history of having early babies. I seem to make it to my due dates and beyond pregnant. When I think of possible dates, the memories come back. The images of watching another baby die (they are engraved in my mind like pornography). Then the tears come.

While we understand that this baby can not and will not replace the one we lost, we are looking forward to the healing that she will bring - which ever day she is born (but really not the 18th). We are excited to hold another girl and keep her in our lives and family. She is so loved already!

changed

My blog has been lacking lately. I keep thinking I should update it. My late miscarriage has changed me. Everything seems very trite, unimportant, you know what I mean. My perspective has changed. I see things much more from an eternal perspective. And not just with my own family, but with others/strangers. Maybe the change has come from feeling like no one really cares about what is going on in our lives or the expected changes coming. But our house is crib, high chair, and now pacifier free! David was the easiest to break the habit with. It was very bittersweet to take away.

I won't lie. Things have been changed between Ben and I. And for the first time in awhile we both feel excited for our future together. Perhaps the biggest change is that Ben posted below and all of a sudden my "What, WHAT in the Butt!?!" post seemed really inappropriate.

But through it all I remained a great mom! David was spraying the dishwasher with water and I threw a towel down and walked away. Go me!!!

Most people have already seen it, but our girls got major haircuts and thanks go out to Brianna. Many people, including family members, have asked us why we buzzed Mikayla and every time I think really, REALLY? It isn't like she started out with long, lush hair or even hair that reached her shoulders. But still they asked. So I thought I would share after hair cut, but before buzz pictures. I think it's obvious why the buzz, but I'll let you be the judge.

Miscarriage is such a unique loss, not having the chance to develop a relationship with the body that came and went, but building an abiding love for a soul that comes into your life and then out again.  

Hopefully these changes are for the best as we...

Look forward,
Holding on, and
Embracing the journey.

5-21-11

well, what can I say.... The world didnt end yesterday. For those living under a rock 5-21-11 was the day of the "rapture". I never believed this and do not believe in the "rapture", but it did cause me to pause and take a long hard look at my life. I am grateful for that. Life is so precious and we have so little time. We need to be living every day as if it were our last. Never take your loved ones for granted. Live the cleanest life you can and start living a little better each day. I challenge everyone who reads this to start now. Think of one thing you can do better today. Start small and add something small each day. I promise this will bring you great joy!

Due Date (yesterday, but blogger was not working)

Today.

The day I have been dreading.

A date that really means very little realistically, but emotionally has a ton of significance.

Today was my estimated due date for my baby boy.

While others may forget and never acknowledge him, I remember him every. single. day.


Take a moment to imagine...

the joy of finding out that you are expecting a baby,

the peace of hearing a steady heartbeat,

the excitement of the ultrasound and watching your baby move for the very first time.


Now imagine the...

confusion,

heartbreak,

and the sorrow of finding out that your baby will never come home.


He will be missed for the rest of our lives.

show 'n' tell

A few weeks ago Brianna smashed her finger with a rock. After a box of bandaids her nail finally fell off. She has been so excited to take it to school for show 'n' tell.

What is the weirdest thing you or your child has ever taken?

Mikayla staying warm

Blogging About Everything!

David's Ears
David has had a continuous ear infection for the last 3-4 months. After 3 doses of Amoxicillen, 1 dose of Augmenton, 1 dose of Cefdinir, 1 dose of Azrithmoycin (sp?), and 1 dose of something that is three days of shots, they are finally doing tubes. We see the ENT on Thursday. We are looking forward to hopefully getting more sleep at night.

Farworld
Its a book series. I have the first two if anyone would like to borrow them. Then we can go out to lunch and talk about it.

We're Excited!
Ben has been wanting to lose weight for a while, but doesn't have the desire to exercise. so the change had to come else where. Mid January he began counting his calories and has really changed his eating habits. He has already lost about 15 pounds. I'm excited that he is getting healthy and getting in control of his weight. Good job Benjamin! I love you the mostest!!

Brianna
I haven't shared the full story of our loss because I am a little worried about how the story will come across. We loved him so much. I hate to think that his story may be taken lightly or his life may seem less significant to some. His life was significant. He made such an impact on our lives. To help share the full depth of our loss, the LDS church has recognized our loss as a stillborn and allowed us to name him and add him to our family group sheet. Ben and I had it confirmed to us many times that he is indeed a part of our enternal family. I am grateful for that.

If I remember correctly there are five stages of grief. There were moments with Brianna that I may always remember. It is those moments I'll share.

1. Denial, shock, disbelief
For days after the delivery Brianna kept asking if the baby had died. Ben and I weren't sure just how much she grasped, so we really didn't talk about it with her. And I tried really hard to not cry in front of our kids. When she asked her questions we answered them.

2. Realization, I really don't know what this ones called
End of November we were moving the pictures frames on the piano to make room for our nativity.

me: We need to get new pictures because Connor got a new baby sister and Peter is getting a new baby sister soon and we need new pictures with them.
Brianna: Since our baby died no one will take our picture anymore?
me: No. They still love us and like having our picture.
Brianna: But our baby died.

3. Anger
Beginning of December Brianna started carrying David around and wanting to hold his sippy cup and spoon feed him. David didn't like this which I would tell Brianna to stop and that David is not a baby, he is a big boy. Then Brianna would yell at me that she wanted a baby and that she waited a long time to get one and she didn't get one. Then she would go cry in her room. For weeks this went one.

4. Depression
I think Christmas helped a lot with this one. There was a time in there that she just wanted to 'go' and 'go' we did. We went to the zoo, the church museum, play places, Connor's house, Peter's house, and many other places.

5. Acceptance
In January we were shopping at Walmart when we walked by the baby stuff and I heavy sighed over a really cute outfit. Brianna came up to me, took my hand and told me that, "Jesus will give us another baby soon". If only our soon and Jesus' soon were the same soon.

My New Ring
Losing a baby is hard. I mainly have good days, but I was having a hard day early in February. Ben's grandparents showed up that day with a gift for me. Many months ago I decided I would write Ben's uncle who is really struggling. My postcards have become cherished by him and Ben's grandparents have really appreciated me writing him. The gift was a ring that belonged to Ben's great grandma. They came on a day that I needed help. The ring and words given mean so much to me.

I don't share these things lightly and I don't want people to judge me. I share them because it helps me with my grieving and I need that.

My super amaxing WIFE!!!

HA! you wanted to hear about something in Tamis poll didnt you? Well I had to take this moment to brag about my AMAZING GRLFRIEND!! Just look at what she has been doing to beautify out home...

She made us a headboard, some drapes, a new wall hanger out of scrap lumber from my basement project, Made us a warm quilt, and painted fancy script on our wall!

Thanks sweetie!

Opinions Please

I want to update my blog, but I find I can't seem to pick something. So I will blog about the thing that gets the most votes. I know look at me making every one's day happier! Ooh, what will win!

If you have a request please leave a comment below. Ben and I will then pay rock, paper, scissors, it see if I will blog about it. Everything will be considered.

My Ridiculousness

Back in June Ben got a severe sun burn which started the beginning of a rash. I thought it was most likely scar tissue from the burn. Back in November my Honey started worrying that it was skin cancer. For obvious reasons Ben's paranoia remained just that.

Mid-December I started calling around and talking to a few different dermatologists and they all said the same thing. That it most likely was skin cancer, but the better of the two to have. The kind where you just scrap the cancer off and your good. With us not having health insurance they were all hesitant to take Ben as a new case.

We prepared ourselves for the worst case scenario. Both emotionally and financially. We both felt okay with the possiblity of skin cancer.

We were blessed to have found a place in Provo that does free skin cancer screenings. We went on January 12th and and was told that it was not skin cancer. The doctor wasn't sure what is causing the rash (maybe a fungus), but he was sure that he had never seen skin cancer look like the rash on Ben's back, so in his opinion it is not skin cancer.

Now I feel ridiculous about it. My thinking was, "everything else is going horribly wrong, why not this too". But Ben is good and David has been given stronger antibiotics which hopefully will clear up his ears. Life is good.

talk

so here is the talk mentioned below. you can read the whole thing or simply scroll down to the end to read the story. and I would like to know honesty if anyone thought of this story from my description?

5 things

1. sticky hands have left permanent marks on our doors.

2. David is onto his third ear infection and headed to tubes.

3. Ben is taking us to the Carl Bloch exhibit tomorrow. super duper excited!

4. Brianna just changed David's pooped diaper.

5. Ben most likely has skin cancer.

so much for a less up and down filled year. I keep thinking about that one conference talk about the young couple traveling and their car breaks down twice in the same spot. 30 years later he thinks to himself keep going, good things will come. this is horribly shortened. i hope good things come this year for us.