Healing

The Oak Tree

by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr

*

A mighty wind blew night and day

It stole the oak tree's leaves away

Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark

*

But still the oak tree held its ground

While other trees fell all around

The weary wind gave up and spoke.

How can you still be standing Oak?

*

The oak tree said, I know that you

Can break each branch of mine in two

Carry every leaf away

Shake my limbs, and make me sway

*

But I have roots stretched in the earth

Growing stronger since my birth

You'll never touch them, for you see

They are the deepest part of me

*

Until today, I wasn't sure

Of just how much I could endure

But now I've found, with thanks to you

I'm stronger than I ever knew

*

So much healing comes from sharing this. We had been shaken. Our leaves had been stolen from us, our branches had been broken, but we are still standing. And no doubt, our roots had grown deeper. We are stronger than we ever knew! I'm still sad we lost our baby boy, but I have peace with his death. I will always remember him and the joy he brought to us. I sure hope this is the hardest thing we will face, but I'm not stupid. I realize I'm only 27 and there will be other storms, possibly with stronger winds.

I've thought a lot about the last few weeks and all the feelings I've had. Aside from great sadness and fear (those are given considering the events), I have felt loved. Loved from the gifts and acts of kindness like prayers. I want it to continue, maybe I just want a lot of plates of cookies. :)

I felt love. Love for my children. Love for Brianna who has done all she could to help and serve me. Love for Mikayla who made and wrapped me a present under the tree. Which I'm very excited for. Love for David and the age and size he is and even the head butting. Love for my husband and all he does for me. Love for my sister who listened far more then she probably wanted to.

I have felt peace with waiting.

Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come. -Joseph F. Smith

It might not be now
It might not be next year
It might not be before David starts sunbeams
but there is another precious baby waiting to join our family.

New Star

We got a new Christmas tree star that lights up! I am really, REALLY looking forward to it in ten, fifteen years when our kids think it is retro and an antique and just really out dated. And thinking about their reaction to that every year amuses me now.

Holiday Dresses

I finished my girls' holiday dresses today. I think they turned out really nice and I'm excited for them to wear them to church. I think I'm hoping to get a lot of praise, but we'll see.
I feel weird posting something happy after something so sad, but life is returning to a new normal for us. I read this article and it describes really well how I'm feeling. I am still constantly reminded of our loss. I've had miscarriages before, but this one has been something else. I went to buy new Christmas socks for us so David wouldn't have to use one that says, "Baby's First Christmas" and realizing I no longer had to buy an extra for next year was so hard. I lost a baby and my world has changed because of it.

I want to thank those that sat with me while I was still pregnant with a dead baby, so I didn't have to sit alone. I appreciated the cards, flowers, cookies, and visits. I really truly am grateful for those that cried with me and still do. For those that listened to me talk about it all the time and about all of the complications from the D&C. I think they should have induced labor instead of what they did. I am grateful for those who just let me cry and didn't avoid the subject or make me feel awkward talking to them. I looked forward to and really needed the daily phone calls from people. The thing I remember the most are the hugs people gave. They also meant the most. Thank you to those who really helped and cared and loved me through it. And who are still there for me.

Change

Change is usually life altering and very unavoidable. It happens to everyone. Change can effect you in ways that aren't seen for years. Strength and character are defined and shaped through change.

Change can be exciting and thrilling. Something intentionally wanted and sought after.

Change can be heartbreaking and devastating. Something you hope never happens to you.

It is this kind of change we are facing.

I desperately wish it wasn't true, but our very much wanted pregnancy has come to an end.

And left us with the unanswerable question...

Now what?

A Story From Long Ago

This evening as I was laying on the couch hoping to keep some bread down when the most random story of my girls popped into my head.



In the beginning of June I was in the habit of doing my food shopping Wednesday mornings. On one such outing to Smith's they had the early beginnings of the small seedless watermelons. My girls were so excited to get one. Brianna picked one and thought she was capable of carrying it around the store. It was quickly dropped onto the floor, broke in half, and juice everywhere. I bagged it so it wouldn't continue dripping throughout the store. I was standing in front of the meat section trying to pick something out when the butcher spoke to me!

butcher: "Ma'am..."

me: thinking-is he going to 'hit on me'? do i still have 'it'? With butterflies in my stomach I managed to say a nervous, "yes".

butcher: "your kids are licking the floor." spoken loudly enough for others to hear.

me: all happy feelings-gone. "Girls stop slurping the watermelon juice off the floor."

nearby man: "Don't worry. It happens to everyone."

really? REALLY? Does it really happen to everyone? Does every ones' kids lick the grocery store floor? Have your kids licked the floor?

My Home

Today I feel incredibly grateful to have my own house. I feel blessed to have the safety and protection that it provides especially during storms and trials. I love being able to control everything, well within reason, like the TV, thermostat (If I was a pioneer I probably would have been among the first to have frozen to death), what's for dinner (maybe not so much), and most importantly the spirit in my home.

I love how blessed we have been with our children to share our home with. I love that our house is the perfect size for us and me to clean. I am so grateful to have a wonderful place to live!

And the Adventure Begins, Again!

After two miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy and well, some family members are just never happy for us, I am leery to say that we are expecting. Ben had to announce over the weekend. He just couldn't wait any longer. I think its odd to announce something so exciting and life altering and have no one ask my due date. I guess that will be our little secret or Ben will tell everyone what he thinks it is, which is usually not even close.

But we are super excited even if Ben got laid off last Monday and we don't have health insurance anymore! We're really looking forward to this baby joining our family! We are so happy to be expecting another brave adventurer from Heaven to have us as parents!

David's One!

So I got home from church and went to finish the cake when I discovered a dead fly on the platter. Eeewww!! I flung it off and served the cake anyhow. And the green cake went the fastest. If they only knew!

My baby is one! David is so much fun. We love having him in our family! It was such a great day. Thank you to everyone who came.

I made a pinata and it was so much fun! I made it harder then normal so the adults who wanted to could take a swing too! David was so fun to watch. We love him so dang much!

First Hair Cut

It was not Mikayla, but we were able to ponytail her hair for the first time ever!

David got his first hair cut! I hated his long hair, especially on the sides. I wanted to cut his hair weeks ago, but Ben thought it was darling? I don't know, but I like it much better cut short.

Happy Anniversary to Us!!!

Ben and I have know each other almost 9 years and have had the joy of being married for 5 of those years.

In the past five years we have moved five times. We've bought a house and gone through several cars.

We have known poor times and comfortable times.

We've survived numerous fish deaths.

Gave 3 perfect children life through 27 months of pregnancy and 26 hours of labor and have suffered the loss of three wanted babies from miscarriages.

We've never spent a night apart...yet.

We still desperately love, like, and need each other.

We were sealed (married) on August 6, 2005 in the Salt Lake City Temple.

On August 7, 2010 we were able to see my brother marry his sweetheart for time and all eternity. That helped make our anniversary extraordinary. We are very happy for them.

We are looking forward to what the next sixty years may bring us!

I love you the mostest of all, Ben. And I want my surprise now. I can not wait any longer.

Accident

A few weeks ago we were in a bit of an accident in Fairview. Ben left the kids and I idling in our new van. I thought I would hold our screaming baby and turned the engine off. When I did we rolled back down a ravine (well, more like a hill with a stream at the bottom) and into a tree. The van was in park. Don't think stupid thoughts. Stop it. A few days later Brianna told Ben the funniest thing.

Brianna: Dad do you remember that one time we were going down and down and it was like a slide?

Ben: Yes.

Brianna: You tried to stop us but your face got smashed and you almost died. And we all almost died. And our van got stuck.

That was funny because when we started to roll, Ben ran to the back of the van to stop it like Superman. I don't know what he was thinking, but now is the time to think stupid thoughts!

The clients of Ben's were really great. they helped us get our van towed out and they housed us for the night. My sister should even know who their grandson is, I. Boyak(?) from high school. He has very nice grandparents. Weird with all the taxidermy decor. So much so I spent the time convincing my girls they were all stuffed animals. And we counted all the ducks. Repeatedly.

The hill. It was so steep the girls couldn't walk up the side to get out. We were incredibly blessed that things turned out the way they did.

Because the accident messed with the alignment we got it fix. It didn't look that costly to fix, but our insurance paid out almost $4,000 for repairs. We did pay our $500 deductible. We picked up our van on Monday and while backing out of the bay I backed into a sign. And scratched our brand new bumper. Ben must love me a lot. He simply said, "Okay" and didn't really care.

Vote on my poll please.

Home Update

Heres what we started with...

Heres mid process....

And here is the final product....

We also painted the railing.

We realize these are bold colors and people will love them or hate them and that is ok with us. As a Realtor I would NEVER suggest a client pick them, but we like it.

Where did my background go?

Now I have to find another dumb background.

As if I have nothing else to do.

Oh wait, Ben takes our car to work.

And our van is now in the auto body shop.

I guess exciting changes are coming!

All good things to those who.......

Well, everyone keeps saying we need to blog about our changes, so here is the first installment of what we have done to our home. We will start with the bathroom.

The major changes were the stupid shelf above the toilet that made it so I had to hold up the toilet seat when I went pee (that was the first to go) and the Walpaper strip that Tami did not like (see below)...... oh and the color of the walls.

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Random

So something sprouted in one of my house plants. It is very odd. I've never put this plant outside. The only thing that I can imagine is that it picked a seed up when we moved it from our car to our house. I let it grow to see what it would become and it is taking for EVER to grow. I'm so curious that I just can not wait to know what it is! But I have to, dang it! The sprout is clearly not the same as the original plant. The only problem I'm facing is that the sprout requires a lot of water and the original is a cacti. And it is growing way to slowly to be a weed.



And I found the mother of all worms! It was huge! The picture just does not do it justice. It really was massive. It was as thick as my pointer finger. And hows that for lame. I thought to get a plate and picture. And a normal sized worm for comparison.

Surprise Trip

We went to Ogden for a weekend trip! I know, Ogden, but Ben made a good point:

Ben: Let's stay in Ogden.

Tami: Ogden?

Ben: Yes. Have you ever been there?

Tami: Not really.

Ben: So, its like going to Wyoming.

Tami: Okay.

I thought a day trip to the Dinosaur Park sounded fun, but Ben thought it would be funner to stay for the holiday weekend. It was such good timing considering everything else going on. It was wonderful to get away.

We stayed at a hotel with an indoor pool for swimming. Went to the Nature Center, Dinosaur Park, and a Children's Museum. Plus David threw up on the hotel bed and had a blow out all over the hotel bed and I didn't have to change the bedding!!

Me

I have become a free babysitter and don't care for it. There is a three year old that lives a few houses away that comes over all day every day, always unattended, wanting to play with my girls. Usually I don't mind, but sometimes it is incredibly annoying. I could go on and on about her, but I won't because then this post would be about her and not me.

About two weeks ago Ben and I found out that I was pregnant. We were so excited. Ben was actually talking baby names with me, which was incredible. Two Wednesdays ago David and I started running really high fevers with only a sore throat to go with it. I was worried about the fever coming early on in the pregnancy, but tried not to focus on it. On Thursday Brianna and Mikayla started playing 'barbie' where the babies in their tummies died and they didn't have babies to hold any more. I knew in that horrible moment what was going to happen. Ben and I have been disappointed, but Ben found me something to do to keep me busy and distracted. We painted our house!

I am an amazing painter! I only got paint on the carpet 30 times; give or take, well probably more give than take. Pictures to come soon. Except for the Kitchen. Ben likes to see people's reactions in person. So, Loralee you're gonna have to come see me again. :) I now have an adult-ish bathroom! No more SpongeBob in there.

And we got a letter from our previous employer/land lord letting us know that we would not be getting our deposit back. The letter stated that the house was dirty and not cleaned at all and was accompanied with a picture of a dirty oven. I admit I did forget to clean the oven, but I cleaned everything else. Anyhow the letter also suggested that I become better at cleaning. So, now I'm curious as to how people view my house cleaning skills. Please vote on my poll to let me know what you think of my house.

Our Home

Well, here are some pictures of our home. To spare those who didnt hear any confusion, we did not get the home pictures earlier. We got a better one! The pics attached were taken before we moved in while we were still house hunting. Enjoy! (sorry, no outside pics upon Tamis request)

Settled

We are settled and enjoying life in our new house! To celebrate we got another new fish! We are very excited to have two fishes! Sadly, our older fish that we got after our daddy fish died over a year ago is sick. Even though Thomas heroicly saved our fish's life, we still might lose it.

And we've made a fatal mistake. At the time we had the money and great desire to sod the backyard. So we started killing everything off. Then other expenses came up that were more important and then we no longer wanted to spend the rest of our money on sod. Maybe I'll throw some seed out there or maybe I'll just laugh and continue to do nothing.

We've also gotten a new family picture to hang on our walls! Here are the old ones, but to see the new one you're gonna have to come visit me to see it.

Today is Ben's birthday and I was going to post a picture of his cake, but I just ruined it. Yea!! Happy Birthday Ben (enjoy the wax)!!!

Right now I feel like we are all just beginning to sit down to dinner. Where the Savior is serving up our trials. I'm looking around and seeing everyone else with either a dessert plate, a dinner plate, or a little saucer. I then look in front of me and see a serving platter wondering, "What the... How am I suppose to eat all this?"

More on the Last 2 Weeks

Ben is so very right that the last two weeks have been busy.

It all started when I got tennis elbow the Sunday night before Ben started his new job. I've never felt such pain in my life. So, we've hired a family member to come help me with the storage unit facility I manage (which I am NOT going to miss at all ). Because I'm usually busy in the office, he takes care of the kids, especially David. Its starting to look like he's getting baby hungry to me (hee hee)!!!

We also discovered the wonderfully entertaining Swedish show Pingu! The girls love the show. I have mixed emotions over it. They watch a lot of TV because I'm to busy and not in the house to enforce otherwise. It makes me sad, but they're trapped here too and get bored. They're even tired of playing the same games with me. So, yeah my kids don't play with me. :(

And the best part of the last two weeks is that we saw Disneyland and Santa Claus!

We were driving out to Granite Furniture when Brianna announced that she sees Disneyland and that she really wanted to go. She was so sad when we told her that wasn't Disneyland. What she had really seen was the Jordan River Temple.

After the Furniture store we went to Walmart to get some things. We allow our kids to pick their own box of fruit snacks and then carry it around the store. That accomplishes two things, they don't run around and they don't touch everything because their arms are already full. Ben then took them to see the fish. They were looking at the fish when a older man with a full graying beard came up and started talking to the girls. He was asking them if they had picked the ones they wanted when Mikayla started saying, " Ho Ho Ho"!! That is what she calls Santa because that is what he says. The guy was really nice and said it back to her. She was so excited and happy.

I love my kids! They add so much laughter and joy to our lives.

My New Job/Our New Home!

Well, a lot has happened in the last 2 weeks. I got a new job with Media One Realty (check the link) doing what I love...... REALESTATE!!! Id like to thank my wongerfull wife for supporting me in Realestate for 4 long hard years while I broke into the field. Now Im making a good salary with bonuses for listings and closings. And tats not even the coolest part! They reimberse me for ALL my realestate expences. My continuing education, my yearly dues, my mailers, my gas, the works! And on a related note.... WERE GETING A HOUSE! It is a short sale so we have to wait a lot longer than we want to get into it, but were looking to close end of March at the latest. here are the pics. We have a $5,000.00 flooring consession so well paint and have new floors in before we move in. Then we will use the 8,000.00 first time home buyer credit for new whatever els we want. Its a 5 bed, 3 bath 2368 sq, ft on .18 acres!